i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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