You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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