I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
