oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
