i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
