i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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