it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
being pregnant is like rehab
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
