you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
