we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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