Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
