Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
