I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
too bad you live with your parents still
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
