That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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