So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
