You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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