sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
