Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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