It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
