I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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