I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
