I didn't shave. On purpose
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
