Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
