I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
