My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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