He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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