I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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