My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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