Tell her she can't have a vagina
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
