I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
