i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
