i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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