Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
where are my eyebrows?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
