I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
