OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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