I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
