whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
