I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
