I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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