he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
