Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
