the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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