Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hippo gnu deer
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
