Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sober January is a disaster.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
