1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
