I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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