it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she told me i tasted like america
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
