I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
