I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
operation harelip BJ is a go
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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