i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
