the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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