So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
